“I want a divorce.” Those feelings conjure up: shock, fear, anger, surprise, guilt, or relief?
Divorce is never easy. But you will get through it. How well you come out of it, however, may depend on how you deal with it emotionally and how proactive you are about protecting yourself.
Here are some things you can do to help yourself.
1. Acknowledge your Feelings
You have the right to feel as you do. Acknowledge your feelings, and if dealing with how you feel requires professional help, don’t hesitate to reach out and get it. People worry that being in therapy, particularly if they are in a custody dispute, could be used against them. Not so. In fact, judges appreciate the self-awareness and open-mindedness that seeking professional help reflects. You can’t be the best parent or best litigant unless you are strong both mentally and emotionally.
2. Understand Your Rights
The best way to get informed is to reach out to a knowledgeable lawyer. A qualified divorce attorney can provide key information as you begin to navigate the uncomfortable world of divorce.
Here is a link to our article “Finding and Hiring a Divorce Lawyer.” [provide link]. This will give you some ideas on how to find a lawyer and prepare you for a meeting (in-person or by phone) with the lawyer.
3. Create a Support System
If you are comfortable doing so, speak to a trusted family member or a friend. Let that person or persons know what is going on in your life. Or if you’re not ready to speak to family or friends, consider a professional, such as a licensed therapist or marriage counselor. There are also divorce groups that can safely connect you with others going through a similar experience. We have the names of several that we give to clients who are interested in exploring that option. This is a time to ask others for help and compassion.
But…your support system should never be your children. Our next point.
4. Don’t Involve Your Kids
Even if your children are older, they should not become your emotional caretakers or be the basis of your support system. And they should not be involved in the details of your divorce.
If you have younger children who are involved in custody issues with you and your spouse, they are naturally going to be curious and ask questions about what’s going on. But you should resist telling them anything other than the most minimal, non-controversial and non-judgmental information. Do not, consciously or otherwise, seek to make them take sides. In custody cases there is an entire children’s “Bill of Rights” that judges often refer to and expect you to abide by. Judges take these rules very seriously, and there are few things you can do to hurt your own custody case more than by directly violating these rules. You are the emotional and physical support system for your children, not the other way around. Here is a link to them. https://ww2.nycourts.gov/courts/6jd/tompkins/family/rights.shtml
5. Speak to Your Spouse
The first conversation you had with your spouse when you learned he or she wanted a divorce might have taken you by surprise. Maybe your immediate response was more reactionary than well-thought-out.
Divorce is a significant life change. It can be complicated and messy. The better you and your spouse keep open the lines of communication, the better you will be able to navigate the uncertainties of divorce and its aftermath.
Reach out to your spouse…if he or she is amenable. Just like you once planned your marriage, you can also plan your divorce. The conversations will likely be difficult, but in the long run, finding a way to speak about the dissolution of your marriage will give you a foundation for re-building your relationship, which is especially important if you share children.
Take Action
Here is a staggering statistic: There are approximately 630,000 divorces a year in the U.S. That works out to more than one divorce every minute of every day.
But our clients are not statistics. Our clients are people. Living, breathing, caring, concerned humans. People who experience joy, pain, love, uncertainty, fear, and grace.
Divorce can be unexpected. It’s okay that you don’t know what to do or how to feel. But there are resources and tools that can help you immediately. Speaking to a divorce lawyer is one starting point.
We’d be happy to discuss your situation with you. Whether you are still exploring the idea or already know that you want to move forward with a divorce or other family law matter, get in touch with us.
If you are considering a divorce in New York or have another New York family law matter, contact Garr Silpe, PC today to schedule a consultation.